Not Waiting For Heaven

I was talking to a friend today and something that she said really took me down my own spiritual rabbit trail. We were talking about favorite scriptures and she happened to mention that the first few verses of Psalm 27 were among her favorites. And while I agreed with her, I was silently reminded of one of my favorite parts of that psalm and it comes later down the line...verse 13 (lucky 13 I suppose). It says: 

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." 

And as I recited it out loud to her, I felt a bit of a nudge from the Lord reminding me of why I love this verse so much. It's no secret that times are hard for so many--both people I know and strangers across the land. Major hurricanes are threatening friends and family. Mud slides have killed hundreds. Friends have been disappointed, loved ones thinking of divorce, sickness plaguing bodies, friends of friends in hospice, poverty running rampant, political unrest and injustices, personal losses and so much more. It's been a tough season. 

But something keeps me going. It's a small word with a lot of power--HOPE. And it's not just the hope for the beauty of eternity in heaven, but hope for what I know we will see on this earth. I decided a long time ago that I was going to follow God with faith--not seeing or understanding what was coming but pressing through to the next step beyond the pain and beyond the darkness. And, at every turn I've been surprised and rewarded that on the other side of that tight space I've seen unexpected blessings. I don't do things for the blessing, but I do do them knowing that somewhere in this "land of the living" and not just when I'm surrounded by the heavenly host, I will experience joy, I will see goodness, I will see light...I will see God.

When I open my eyes and stop looking through the cloudy lens of my situation, I can see clearly to the fact that a spark of hope is still kindled in my spirit even on days when it isn't raging out of control like a forest fire. And what's so comforting in that is a little bit of hope goes a long way. 

It's been a while since I've written a prayer point, but this evening my fingers were itching to send this to you...yes YOU. I wanted to remind you that no matter what you are going through and what you see around you, know that there's still hope. Grab on to what little bit you can  find and ride through to the storm because a rainbow is sure to come.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea

With All Due Respect: Race Doesn't Matter...until it does...It's Not About Religion...until it is

It's been a while since I've written a blog. In fact, I logged in to write this and found a draft with a similar subject header already in process and thought it appropriate to keep. I say that to say that these matters I'm about to discuss run deep and are not about one administration but about some deep-reaching heart matters that keep resurfacing. Since it's bubbling in my heart for some time, it's also a long blog so yeah...just a heads up...

You see, Martin Luther King, Jr has been on my mind quite a bit the last few weeks--and not just because it was his birthday in January. No. That isn't it. You see, I've seen a lot of posts on social media and heard several people saying that, in essence, they wish that people would stop talking about the challenges of our new administration. On my own posts (which have expressed sadness, fury and confusion), I've gotten a mixture of responses--some wishing I would stop stirring the pot of conversation, others saying that I'm "spewing rhetoric", some challenging my sources or ability to think for myself beyond mainstream media, some saying we just need to pray and some in agreement with my sentiments/words. It's been interesting to see/read to say the least and I've watched the comments, trying not to be offended, and relishing in the engagement of people to say and discuss that which they are passionate about. I guess I could delete people's comments from my page who I don't agree with, but what good is that? Where is there freedom if not in the exchange of thought--including the room to disagree? And so, I don't usually engage in debate. I state my opinion. Beyond that, my thought is a reader can do with that what they want (as long as they're not completely rude). It's not my job to convince anyone of my point of view but it is my job to speak...but wait...I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back to Martin Luther King, Jr. The thought I had rolling around in my head the last few weeks was more of a set of questions: What if he (and the others who served with him) remained silent? What if he decided not to "stir the pot"? What if, as a pastor, he chose to only pray? What if he only took a "wait and see" stance and hoped for the best? Where would we be? And I wonder the age-old question WWJD...What would Jesus do?

People have argued that it's not about religion or that it's not about race, but I would argue to the contrary based on what I've seen and heard over the last couple of years and, in particular, the last few weeks. IT (whatever it is that has come up) usually is about that very thing that people are so scared to label it as. I've watched and listened as people have even challenged my Christian responsibility as a pastor and leader, suggesting that I NOT say things that incite debate or division. What I know to be true is that my words are not meant to incite division though they may highlight and expose a division that is already there. I sometimes want to scream "Where have YOU been living???!" at comments from people who say this wasn't like this before. No. It just wasn't public. It's as if people assume that when the Civil Rights Act passed or Ms. Magazine was published suddenly all was right with the world. It is America's well/not-so-well-camouflaged dirty little secret that the Land of the Free has an addendum to that statement that says "land of the free FOR SOME". Don't get me wrong. I love being an American, but we are definitely still a work in progress. Having a conversation in which there is not agreement but there is a respectful exchange of thought and emotion is not contrary to my Christian belief. Even Jesus in his meekness and humility was not a complete pacifist. He didn't avoid conversation with those who challenged him. He merely spoke truth and kept it moving. He challenged people to challenge their own thoughts and beliefs. He didn't argue with people. He didn't debate. But He did not remain silent. Paul, the writer of much of the New Testament, called people out left and right about how their actions did or did not match up with true Christian thought. He guided people in action and in word. He did not remain silent.

My name is Andrea and I am a non-American born, black, female, Christian, American pastor who has a voice. Like every person in this world with a voice (and any number of social media accounts), I have influence. I know my influence. I have authority in Christ and I have small amounts of influence with my words and photographs. So it becomes my choice how I want to use that voice and that influence. Making statements that clearly say "I'm angry" or "I don't agree" don't say "You should be angry" or "You should agree with me" but they do start a conversation. I'm human. I would love for everyone to agree with me or at least hear me and not make me want to cringe with their responses; but what I want more than agreement is for learning and challenging and understanding to go forward. That leaves room for me to be wrong as well as others or for us to decide that "it's not wrong, it's just different".

However I can't lie (or provide an "alternate fact" should I say?), I was having a hard time understanding how people voted for D. Trump and how he became our 45th President. Overall, grace covers them and me in this journey. I'm not one of those people who would begrudge him his win or say that it should be revoked. I didn't call for a recount. I believe in the democratic process and am not tied to my team "winning". Though my opinion of him is not high (to say the least) and I've publicly said as much, he is my president. I do pray for him in positive ways and strive to serve him that way--through prayer. But I also call him to the service he was elected to serve me and not just the interests of a particular group. And so I have to pray even for myself and others like me that we will be proven wrong in our opinions, and he'll serve the greater American good. However, that doesn't mean I don't still struggle to understand. I can't help but remark about things that don't make sense to me (like "alternate facts" and someone with an approved green card being turned away from the country in the airport). Me writing and sharing this shows my struggle and hope to be understood.

I don't understand how we tell our kids not to bully and then give a bully the highest office in US government; or how anyone says that acts that HE SAID were continuations of his campaign promises to shut out Muslims are not religious because he wisely/tactfully/craftily/sneakily made a plan that didn't say that outright because that wouldn't be legal (like someone who figures out how to simply get what they want without breaking the law...is that ethical and right even if it's legal???); or how we can be humanitarians who would go to the ends of the earth to help people but are ultimately more concerned about our bank accounts (yes...us having to spend more money) than our neighbor up the street's ability to get and maintain healthcare and live above the poverty lines; or how someone can say that a person who generalized a whole group of non-white people from a specific place as rapists and murderers is not in any way racist and that I (a non-white person) can trust him fully to govern me and a country of all races with a just hand; or how we look at misogynist statements he made only a few years ago as "old news" and think that his groping hands have been reformed and that he thinks highly of women despite his past words and behavior? I just don't understand. I know that people said they voted for him despite these atrocities and as retaliation to injustices they have felt under the previous administration. But, I've struggled to reconcile that my friends who I respect, like, and love (still do) of all races and religious backgrounds and careers chose that over anything else.

I struggle because I take what he has said and who he has been in the past personally. VERY PERSONALLY. And so my bigger struggle is reconciling how you can like and support him and still like and support me? Is it even possible? Is it possible to say to someone "I love you" but then put someone in office who has the potential to completely ruin me personally? I come from a family of immigrants for whom the immigration process is still a relevant part of our lives--not like we just immigrated back in 1900 and then it's over but like today who have stakes in this immigration game. I'd like to know that my father is not in danger of being stopped at the borders because of his faith or the fact that he is a naturalized citizen and not born in the US (and don't say it's not possible because if they can revoke visas that were vetted and block entry for green-card carriers or people seeking REFUGE for health and/or political reasons then nothing is off limits). I know people who were on the verge of financial ruin because of major illness events like cancer who aren't working (so savings plans wouldn't work for them) and who need coverage for "preexisting conditions"; and I myself have preexisting conditions that worry me when thinking of the availability of healthcare to me. I have brothers and cousins and friends who would and have been unfairly targeted by "stop and frisk" laws that have been promised to return on a more widespread level. I have god-daughters who need to know that it's not okay to be treated unfairly as girls or inappropriately touched but we have a president who admits to doing so to women. Like I said, I take it personal.

And I wonder if MLK was the same. Did he take it personal? At what moment did he stop being pissed off in private and shift towards joining a public movement? What is that moment, that issue, that cause that drives someone from just being a part of the crowd to leading the crowd despite others telling them to be silent? Where is the line that is crossed that moves someone from church-going to church-BEing (doers and not just hearers of The Word)? And does speaking out take me out of line with the church? What makes someone like a Martin Luther King or Gandhi or Mother Theresa and the like use their voices with such grace and power and take that risk of being heard? What is the point that pushes them to action and out of a pray only and wait position? Those are the questions I ask myself as I struggle with all that has been going on and all that has been said. I am not a believer who thinks that every person we put in office must be Christian. If given a choice, I would vote for a non-Christian who has a humanitarian heart and whose actions reflect love and wisdom and global understanding over a mean Christian. I don't always vote party lines (much to some people's chagrin), and I certainly don't vote because someone is black or a woman like me. Perhaps that's just me. I'm smarter than that and I'm insulted when people assume otherwise.

I try not to be judgmental, but I know that I fail miserably as I think thoughts like how can we elevate a man whose actions and words say "I don't care about all people" and then tell people that they should "love God show that they love him through their love of others"? I don't understand and I have to repent often when my thoughts go in that judgmental direction. It's not mine to judge Trump's faith or relationship with God. But that's easier said than done and I can say that his political actions do not reflect my hopes and dreams for humanity regardless of religion. Period.

So what would Jesus have done? What would Jesus' Twitter feed and Facebook timeline look like? Would it be filled with pictures of kittens or of headlines? I'm not sure. I'm tryin to be like Jesus but definitely not there yet. What I know for sure is that I simply cannot be silent. I think about Esther and I believe that we are given a voice "for such a time as this". Hopefully we approach it with humility and grace. Hopefully we give room for all voices to be heard and not just our own. Hopefully we welcome counter-action and encourage reactions that don't match ours. Hopefully we are prayerful about the words that we use and the actions that we take. I know that's my goal. Before I hit "POST" on anything that may be politically charged you read, I've thought (and usually prayed) it out. And though my words may match the rhetoric of the press, I choose my own words...we just happen to agree (ex. I purposely chose the word "refugee" even though the executive order was for immigrants because I think of most immigrants as seeking refuge and know that that is the base definition of the word "refugee").

And then I go back to where I started...MLK. I was reminded in my times of prayer and reflection that, as an African American community, the church has been a central place of community action. I was reminded that we didn't have the luxury of position outside of the church so this "church leaders must be silent and just pray" ideology is simply not in line with my personal cultural understanding of life. To use the words that even Ivanka Trump quoted of Malcolm X "If not now, then when? If not me, then who?" Community action/humanitarian advocacy and religious understanding have been inextricably linked throughout the centuries. While I am not saying that D. Trump is Hitler or that his actions are as bad, I do know that silence from the church and much of the world outside of the church is how Hitler rose to power so craftily and how one man could change the direction of history for a whole people group one "small", "insignificant" order at a time. And, in retrospect to Hitler's regime, the great Holocaust survivor, Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellie Wiesel said "The opposite of love is not hate but indifference." And there are so many more...so many more great words by great people who have lived through points in history that we would all agree are charged with division and hatred. I just don't want to be indifferent. I don't want us to ignore history and fall into the same trap where we sit back and relax in our comfortable worlds.

And so it goes...my first response has been and will continue to be prayer because that's what God says it should be. (2 Chronicles 7:14) But even in this verse that we call upon we must remember to not ignore the part that says "turn"...there is ACTION that God calls us to. How we turn and what that looks like? I am not sure. So I'll continue to seek God's face and ask Him to give me wisdom before I speak, before I march, before I write and before I hit "POST" or "SUBMIT". I'm no MLK, but I do have a voice. I will call out bad behavior and try to make sure that my behavior isn't equally bad. I will challenge mean words and try to make sure that my words are not also mean. In all, I will try to honor God and use my voice with wisdom and boldness.

Thanks for reading.

Pastor Andrea

Above Reproach

Those dreaded words came my way: "We need to talk." They are four of the most daunting words put together in the English language. And it's funny to me (and sad to an extent) that they have caused me so many moments of unrest. I realized as I was sitting here that the reason that I hadn't been able to rest is that I have failed... The scripture in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 says that an overseer is to be "above reproach", and as I made a mental list of all the things I had done right or wrong in the past couple of weeks, I realized that it was not me.

Now I'm not talking about big things, but I'm talking about those areas of life where you know you are just shy of right--where your attitude could've been a little smoother or you could've done better to ensure that you presented no appearance of evil. How many of those things do we have in our lives? How many times are those the things that potentially hold us back? As I anticipate whatever it is that the person may have to tell me, I have been driven to a point of reflection and repentance and felt led to write about it.

I'm not sure who will read this or where you are, but I want to be clear that you have an opportunity to move forward in a way that is "above reproach" from this point forward. You can make a decision to reflect God in ways that only showcase just how wonderful He is. Don't sit here and condemn yourself for what has been done. Move forward today in integrity and self-control know that the grace of God has helped to heal whatever has been done in the past.

Be blessed,
MinD

i melted...

I've started to write this blog over and over again. I suppose that it's very telling that the topic that's been on my heart has also been what has kept me from writing. Today, I've decided to conquer my fears and insecurities...so here goes...

Last week, I found myself in tears. I wanted to scream out "I'm melting!!!" Now, I'm sure that there are a myriad of reasons that may have been so. Perhaps my hormones were amiss. Or maybe the heat was pounding my skull just so. However, no matter the reason, I found myself walking quickly to get to the safe haven of a closed room with a friend so that I could just let 'er rip. What's interesting about the conversation I'm having here with you is that I consider myself to be a pretty confident person. The truth is that I'm confident in my abilities but not always my self. I know what I know and don't know. I know what I can and can't do. I know who God says that I am and what I'm called to do. I even know how He looks at me. But, in that moment last week, when the tears threatened to drown me, I was sure that none of that mattered. Though there was a trigger, it wasn't one person or situation that was truly behind the flood.

I don't know how to say it except to say it. What I do as a minister of God...what I did before I came to Mercy Ships and what I will do long after I'm gone...it's personal. A lot of people can say that their job is their job and then home and spiritual and friends are their personal space. You may get upset at work with your boss and be pissed off with a coworker, but then you go home and your wife makes you dinner or your friends go to the movies with you and it's forgotten (at least until you head back to work). That's not always possible when what you do encompasses your home, your spiritual life, your friendships... That's hard enough when you're a leader at the same church you attend and find your friendships. Setting healthy boundaries becomes one of the bigger challenges for many pastors and leaders. I remember standing in service with my hands lifted high, in the midst of worship, tears running down my face and crying out to God when someone tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to help them in the back office with something administrative (I think it was the copy machine was jammed). I was furious that day! It became a symbol for how I knew many people would see me moving forward. And here on a ship...well...sigh...yeah...that's often a challenge. In fact it's magnified. You get the best and the worst of both worlds. You have people that want to talk to you at all hours of the day and night (which is fine to a certain extent since that's sort of what we're here for...to a certain extent) and then you have the many people who are very guarded around you because they are uncertain about who you'll tell or if you can be trusted so they won't even have real friendship-bearing conversations.

So yeah...it's personal. I'm sure you know that this task of water walking is not easy. Because at the end of the day, it makes for a lonely life at times and makes me doubt myself, my likability (and let's face it we all want to be liked)...and wonder how on earth the Lord called me this broken, boo-hooin' mess to care for his people. Now, I know I'm not special. I'm just telling my tale. There are many victorious and fulfilling sides to serving on the mission field. But there are challenges too. There are plenty of people who could give you the same story--particularly here on this ship we call work, home, life...the lines get crossed so often. There is the doctor who gets asked medical questions in the dining room, the nurse who gets asked to look at a rash while drinking coffee on her break, the human resources person who gets asked about vacation time when they are about to leave on their own days off, the mechanic who gets asked "what's that sound" when they are about to take their wife on a date, the teacher that gets asked to correct something when reading a book at Starbucks and so on... We all have the space to fuss and complain about how our world seems to bleed together. Today's just my day because I melted last week.

I felt compelled to share because maybe you melted last week too. Or perhaps you're on the verge of a meltdown. What I felt the Lord say to my spirit as I finished drying up my tears was that I was "allowing doubts to erode away my confidence". At the end of the day, the responsibility for healthy boundaries is ours. Saying "no" or "can we talk about that tomorrow during business hours" seems like the most irrational thing for a missionary to do. And sometimes things cannot wait or should not wait. But then there are the times when we do need to draw lines and we do need to set ourselves up for greater health and effectiveness. When we allow ourselves to get run down and pulled from all ends, those are the moments that we give the enemy the most room to infuse that doubt that puts chinks in our "whole armor of God". When we try to make like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going, our fatigue becomes a foothold for the devil and his imps to whisper words of discouragement in our ears.

I'm not writing this so that people will write back and encourage me. No...I can truly say that I made it to "the other side of through" because of God's grace and because of the angels he sends my way. Today, I want to encourage you that if the melt down is coming...find a friend, a chaplain, a pastor...someone who can stand in the midst of the puddle with you like I did. Find someone who will speak life while you melt and help you clean up the puddle once the tears have dried. The person I cried to, sent me the picture above. You need to have someone who will send you pictures and read you scripture and pour back into you once you've poured out. Whether your mission field is in a foreign country or in the home you were born and raised in, know that you are not alone and that God called you (yes you...broken, melted mess that you are...) because in your weakness, HE is made strong.

Be encouraged in this day to draw good boundaries and when all else fails...feel free to melt...

Blessings,
MinisterD

The Struggle Is Real

I could hear the nurses puttering around in the adjacent room as I waited for my appointment. My thumbs seemed to have a mind of their own --finding a rhythm of nervousness and twiddling away--until I couldn't take it any longer and asked her to tell me what the scale had read. I knew I didn't want to know, but I was like a month to a flame...I'm surprised I held out the five minutes I lasted. But as soon as the words were out of her mouth, I knew felt my heart plummet to the floor.

There had to be a mistake. She tried to console me saying it was likely a misread so we should take it again. And again I got hit with the cold, hard reality of failure. I knew I had gained weight (it was either that or I suddenly shrunk all of my clothes), but I didn't know it was THAT bad. How could I be HERE? How could I have crossed the imaginary line that I had made up in my head--the line between the weight that you are and the special weight that you've identified as "You Know You've Gone Too Far When"...the point in my brain that separated me from just being fat to morbidly obese. (To be clear, that number doesn't match the body mass index that doctors use because ...well...I obviously like to live disillusioned. Hey...we all have our flaws.) It's like I have a thinner woman trapped inside of me who is simply aching to get out. It's hard to preach to people about their issues when mine are staring them right in the face on my hips and thighs.

So today I crossed the line and it really didn't feel good. I cried in the doctor's office in frustration for what has proven to be a lifelong battle. And then somewhere in the middle of my supreme pout, I remembered God. I can admit that those first thoughts were more asking why I got the fat genes in the family and why others eat and eat and don't exercise and have metabolisms from heaven. Meanwhile I am dealing with everything from motivation issue to thyroid glitches and can't seem to catch a break. Woo woo woo...whoa is me and all that jazz. I'm a pastor but I'm also human. I'm a multidimensional missionary and truly still a work in progress.

Once I got past all of my vanity and self-righteousness, I began to remember that 'I war not against flesh and blood' and that there has to be a better way. Yes there are physical things I need to do, but it would stand to reason that if I can trust God with my soul, then my body should be a piece of cake to him. He's probably just waiting for me to turn it over once and for all to Him. He said we could bring it all to him.

Easier said than done, but I'm surely gonna try.

Blessings, MinD

Spoiled

I had originally prepared another thought to share but am taking a detour and will revisit that one shortly. I couldn't let this day of Thanksgiving go by unmentioned. You see, being away from the U.S. for the past two Thanksgiving days has always lent a small twinge to the beating of my heart. However, God faithfully surrounds me with so much that I have to be grateful for that I end up feeling such great peace. Today was no different. The day began with a long bus ride through the countryside of Madagascar to visit my aunt for the long weekend. And, though Thanksgiving is COMPLETELY and American holiday, I was beside myself to see how much she had gone to great lengths to make this a holiday to remember. Her closest family friends came to eat and welcome me. And at the end of the day, I am simply overwhelmed with gratitude. She even made turkey "Malagasy" style. My friend who was with me told me I am spoiled. And all I could do was say "yes I am spoiled with love..." So as I begin to bring this day to a close, I wanted to say thank you for reading and indulging my random thoughts every now and again. It us my prayer that on this day, you feel spoiled today with the love of Christ. Happy Thanksgiving! with love, PastorA

What Would Thin Be Like? And Other Silly Thoughts In Serious Times

I'm thinking of writing another book. This one could be entitled What Would Thin Be Like? And Other Silly Thoughts In Serious Times. Yes, you read right. While other people's blogs (especially my fellow friends here on Mercy Ships) detail the ups and downs of missionary work, the plight of the poor, and the trials of the world, the simple side of my mind turns to randomness. Something must be done.

I really want to be one of those ultra-serious people. I don't want to have to convince people that I hold two master's degrees and have a couple of pennies of sense rattling around in my brain. I want people to just know it. I want to exude intelligence and maturity, but instead I often feel like my silliness makes me seem much younger than my forty years (and not in a good way). I'm sure Mother Teresa didn't get shocked looks once people found out she got the Nobel Prize. It simply made sense that she should get it.

But when I think about the person I would like to be--loving people like Mother Teresa, sacrificing like Esther, evangelizing people like Billy Graham, forgiving people like Nelson Mandela, inspiring people like Ghandi, charming people like Oprah, praying like Paul, and basically fully embodying Jesus--I can only think of silliness. I wonder if I'm thin enough, smart enough, educated enough...am I enough? All of my insecurities shine through and I wonder silly things like "what would it be like to be thin or if my head was on the body of someone like Gabrielle Union?"

No matter how many letters there are behind my name, what I haven't accomplished shines through. No matter how many times I've stepped out on faith, I consider the opportunities I may have missed when I was scared. No matter how many people I've showed love to, I worry about those who I fell short with. Even in the midst of serving God in this wonderful way on the mission field, I feel like I should always be doing or being more. Serious people do more, right? ...Or so I ask myself. I mean, why haven't I personally found the cure to the Ebola crisis in West Africa by now? Ludicrous, right? It's funny how no matter where you go, your stuff goes with you. Every insecurity and every ... I find myself wondering how it is that no matter how much you work on it, those things seem to surface at the most inopportune times.

But, at the end of the day, I was reminded that I am, indeed enough. A fellow minister was interviewing me and asked me about the book(s) that I felt every minister should read (beyond the Bible). I sat there stumped as I looked at him, and all those insecurities began to surface again as I drew a blank. I thought of how no one would ever believe that I graduated from seminary if I don't come up with acceptable answers to the question and begin quoting A.W. Tozier, D. Willard or the like. And then an overwhelming peace came over me as I realized that I was not them and that God didn't make a mistake. I really felt the reality of what Psalm 139 says when it talks about being 'fearfully and wonderfully made and having your soul know it well.' While serious things can be important, God has gifted me with a joy that simply flows over and may seem silly to most. So my soul kicked in and reminded me that I don't have to prove my intelligence or commitment to all things serious. My soul kicked in and reminded me that the greatest job that I have is to love and do so in my own skin with my own silliness and my own style.

Now this knowing won't stop the occasional return of the my-head-on-actress-body thoughts or wondering how I can do more to heal the world. It's those random thoughts that fuel the passion of great people to do great things. Perhaps I'll finally get healthier and have my body be a living reflection of God's deliverance from our vices (like chocolate) or maybe I'll even stumble across a cure for HIV/AIDS in my spare time. Who knows? But for now, all this silliness in these serious times is enough for God and so it's enough for me.