Above Reproach

Those dreaded words came my way: "We need to talk." They are four of the most daunting words put together in the English language. And it's funny to me (and sad to an extent) that they have caused me so many moments of unrest. I realized as I was sitting here that the reason that I hadn't been able to rest is that I have failed... The scripture in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 says that an overseer is to be "above reproach", and as I made a mental list of all the things I had done right or wrong in the past couple of weeks, I realized that it was not me.

Now I'm not talking about big things, but I'm talking about those areas of life where you know you are just shy of right--where your attitude could've been a little smoother or you could've done better to ensure that you presented no appearance of evil. How many of those things do we have in our lives? How many times are those the things that potentially hold us back? As I anticipate whatever it is that the person may have to tell me, I have been driven to a point of reflection and repentance and felt led to write about it.

I'm not sure who will read this or where you are, but I want to be clear that you have an opportunity to move forward in a way that is "above reproach" from this point forward. You can make a decision to reflect God in ways that only showcase just how wonderful He is. Don't sit here and condemn yourself for what has been done. Move forward today in integrity and self-control know that the grace of God has helped to heal whatever has been done in the past.

Be blessed,
MinD

i melted...

I've started to write this blog over and over again. I suppose that it's very telling that the topic that's been on my heart has also been what has kept me from writing. Today, I've decided to conquer my fears and insecurities...so here goes...

Last week, I found myself in tears. I wanted to scream out "I'm melting!!!" Now, I'm sure that there are a myriad of reasons that may have been so. Perhaps my hormones were amiss. Or maybe the heat was pounding my skull just so. However, no matter the reason, I found myself walking quickly to get to the safe haven of a closed room with a friend so that I could just let 'er rip. What's interesting about the conversation I'm having here with you is that I consider myself to be a pretty confident person. The truth is that I'm confident in my abilities but not always my self. I know what I know and don't know. I know what I can and can't do. I know who God says that I am and what I'm called to do. I even know how He looks at me. But, in that moment last week, when the tears threatened to drown me, I was sure that none of that mattered. Though there was a trigger, it wasn't one person or situation that was truly behind the flood.

I don't know how to say it except to say it. What I do as a minister of God...what I did before I came to Mercy Ships and what I will do long after I'm gone...it's personal. A lot of people can say that their job is their job and then home and spiritual and friends are their personal space. You may get upset at work with your boss and be pissed off with a coworker, but then you go home and your wife makes you dinner or your friends go to the movies with you and it's forgotten (at least until you head back to work). That's not always possible when what you do encompasses your home, your spiritual life, your friendships... That's hard enough when you're a leader at the same church you attend and find your friendships. Setting healthy boundaries becomes one of the bigger challenges for many pastors and leaders. I remember standing in service with my hands lifted high, in the midst of worship, tears running down my face and crying out to God when someone tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to help them in the back office with something administrative (I think it was the copy machine was jammed). I was furious that day! It became a symbol for how I knew many people would see me moving forward. And here on a ship...well...sigh...yeah...that's often a challenge. In fact it's magnified. You get the best and the worst of both worlds. You have people that want to talk to you at all hours of the day and night (which is fine to a certain extent since that's sort of what we're here for...to a certain extent) and then you have the many people who are very guarded around you because they are uncertain about who you'll tell or if you can be trusted so they won't even have real friendship-bearing conversations.

So yeah...it's personal. I'm sure you know that this task of water walking is not easy. Because at the end of the day, it makes for a lonely life at times and makes me doubt myself, my likability (and let's face it we all want to be liked)...and wonder how on earth the Lord called me this broken, boo-hooin' mess to care for his people. Now, I know I'm not special. I'm just telling my tale. There are many victorious and fulfilling sides to serving on the mission field. But there are challenges too. There are plenty of people who could give you the same story--particularly here on this ship we call work, home, life...the lines get crossed so often. There is the doctor who gets asked medical questions in the dining room, the nurse who gets asked to look at a rash while drinking coffee on her break, the human resources person who gets asked about vacation time when they are about to leave on their own days off, the mechanic who gets asked "what's that sound" when they are about to take their wife on a date, the teacher that gets asked to correct something when reading a book at Starbucks and so on... We all have the space to fuss and complain about how our world seems to bleed together. Today's just my day because I melted last week.

I felt compelled to share because maybe you melted last week too. Or perhaps you're on the verge of a meltdown. What I felt the Lord say to my spirit as I finished drying up my tears was that I was "allowing doubts to erode away my confidence". At the end of the day, the responsibility for healthy boundaries is ours. Saying "no" or "can we talk about that tomorrow during business hours" seems like the most irrational thing for a missionary to do. And sometimes things cannot wait or should not wait. But then there are the times when we do need to draw lines and we do need to set ourselves up for greater health and effectiveness. When we allow ourselves to get run down and pulled from all ends, those are the moments that we give the enemy the most room to infuse that doubt that puts chinks in our "whole armor of God". When we try to make like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going, our fatigue becomes a foothold for the devil and his imps to whisper words of discouragement in our ears.

I'm not writing this so that people will write back and encourage me. No...I can truly say that I made it to "the other side of through" because of God's grace and because of the angels he sends my way. Today, I want to encourage you that if the melt down is coming...find a friend, a chaplain, a pastor...someone who can stand in the midst of the puddle with you like I did. Find someone who will speak life while you melt and help you clean up the puddle once the tears have dried. The person I cried to, sent me the picture above. You need to have someone who will send you pictures and read you scripture and pour back into you once you've poured out. Whether your mission field is in a foreign country or in the home you were born and raised in, know that you are not alone and that God called you (yes you...broken, melted mess that you are...) because in your weakness, HE is made strong.

Be encouraged in this day to draw good boundaries and when all else fails...feel free to melt...

Blessings,
MinisterD

Lifting My Gag (Again)

I feel like I've failed.

No...not in the most conventional ways. I have had a lot of "success" in the 40 years that I've been on this earth. I've had a lot of moments to cherish. I've had a lot of opportunities for growth and better understanding and wisdom. I've been blessed beyond measure. So, why, in the middle of all of that can't I keep an appointment with myself to do 2 simple blogs? Yep...failure.

And then I read other blogs and I'm so impressed and so inspired and so...well you get the point. Here's my "reason" (a.k.a. excuse): I'm not usually sitting at a computer at those moments or it's not convenient. And I realize that I hate writing a blog on my mobile devices because I feel like I'm literally all thumbs and my fingers can't keep up with my brain like I do on a keyboard. So the inspiration comes and then I write off-line in this place or that and have good intentions to post "when I get a chance" but then the fire for the message dwindles. I begin to feel a gag sneak on my words/thoughts and I second guess whether anyone would even want to hear/read what I have to say until sleep comes upon me, a new day dawns, I look up and the whole idea is gone.

Such is the cycle of my writer's life.

And then today I was so convicted about my silence and had a revelation as I talked to a friend and read another inspiring blog. It's a serious revelation. You ready? This is BIG little stuff...seriously...wait for it...wait for it...I'M SCARED. I admit it (sorta). I'm one of those people who is filled with ideas, filled with motivation to start and often waylayed in trying to maintain and/or finish strong. I know it's just me (haha...suuuure...), so I'll just ask you to pray with me. Because, honestly, I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of allowing the enemy to win by making me self-conscious. I'm tired of feeling gagged by the enemy's lies...tired of feeling like there's stuff bubbling up inside of me just waiting to burst forward but then being too nervous to let it flow freely and with excellence and order and timeliness and commitment. If I am willy-nilly about my blogs, then you won't expect anything from me. You won't hold me to it. But I don't want that anymore. So I'm asking...no begging for accountability. I know I've been here before--where I try to get jump started again after my fears submerge my fingers. I could listen to the devil and throw in the towel and just say "forget it", but I was convicted today that God is a God of second, third...million chances. And so if there's a new opportunity to be obedient, to get closer to His Will, then I should reach out and grab it with gusto! I'm asking for you to reach out in email or comment and say "hey...we haven't heard from you in a while and you need to get on your job".

Because, in the end, it's not really my job that I need to get on. I need to remember it's not about me or being worried about what other people may think about what I have to say. In the end, it's God's business I need to be about. I feel like Jonah in the proverbial big fish running from this part of my call. All the rest of the stuff I've accepted with gusto and fervency. This side...not-so-much. So here I type...asking for your iron to sharpen my iron and help me in my quest for obedience.

Blessings,
MinD

Set It Off...

I really do try my best not to compare myself to others. Over the years, I've tried to develop a good sense of worth--knowing that my ultimate worth comes from God and all that jazz... But the truth of it is that beyond that "Sunday School" answer. There are days when I feel nothing like that. Especially on a hospital ship where you're not a doctor or nurse. It can be easy to lose sight of the bigger picture and not feel like what you bring to the table is of value. Or if you're married, comparing yourself to your "free to mingle" single friends. And if you're single, envying the thighs and legs in your married friends' buckets... I mean I can quote Psalm 139:14 about how I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and sure of God's marvelous work in me; but then when I was being hateful last week or struggling with trying to bring every thought into subjection I didn't feel so wonderful or marvelously worked. .

So it made my walk the other day all-the-more special. I love how God works with me even in all my non-marvelosity (yes...I just made up a word). I was walking around the other morning and saw a daisy-like flower in the midst of the rose bush. And I thought to myself, "what would it be like to be that daisy amidst the roses?" It could go one of two ways: 1) I could decide that I am nothing compared to these fancy flowers that everyone covets or 2) I could decide that I am so FABULOUS that it only takes one of you to set it off.

Yeah...I'm I'm leaning towards the second option, and I'm hoping that today is one of those FABULOUS days for you too. #ThatIsAll!

New Perspective...

I was thinking of the decision to leave my job the last few days. Well...it's something I think of often and piece my decision apart to ensure that I heard God and made the right move. Though it's difficult for me to understand in the midst of my circumstances, I usually end my thoughts reassured. So when I encounter someone along my path who I tell if this journey, I'm not completely clueless as to why they have a difficult time understanding my choice. And then recently, I got a new perspective on the decision.

If our nation were at war, and I had made a decision to drop everything and fight in that war. Even if there were little to no pay involved, people would not struggle to understand. If that very war was a threat to my life--putting me in harm's way and risking death--people would consider me valiant. Even if my family despised the decision, the support of my nation and comrades would carry me through and reinforce the decision on a daily basis.

And so it is in ministry. I believe that there is a war between what's righteous and evil going on in this world. The Bible tells us we war against "powers and principalities". I believe that people's lives are at stake if we don't do the work to fight for them; and I took drastic measures to join the fight full time. I expect that some friends and family may begrudge the choice I've made, but I'm girded up on every side by comrades in the Kingdom who know the struggle and understand the necessity. I have people I can call when I'm thrown of by a tactical move made by the enemy or when I'm awed by the protection of my God.

I say all of this to say that if you don't have those type of comrades, you are fighting in the wrong unit. If you are floundering out there trying to justify your decision, I encourage you to start simply telling people you are a captain or general in battle for a secret operatives team. That will quiet them. In the end, you must follow after what GOD said and not what man fears.

Be encouraged and stay focused!
MinD

Persevering After The Hit

The concept of perseverance is one that is often learned the hard way. We are placed in situations where we're pushed to our limits. However, today, I found encouragement to persevere in the oddest of places. I was reading an article today about an owl. I know that's an odd topic to randomly be reading about, but a tweet on the ABC News twitter feed caught my eye. Apparently, a woman in Florida hit an owl who, in turn, got stuck in the front grill of her vehicle and remained alive throughout the ordeal. "The owl that a Florida tourist hit with her SUV and unwittingly transported for about 100 miles in the grill of her vehicle appears to have survived the ordeal none the worse for the ride..." the article read. And as I tried to move on to the next thought, I couldn't shake the look of this owl peaking out from the front fender of her car:

Photo Credit to ABC News

As I gazed at the picture, the Lord began to minister to me about how there are times in our lives when we take a hit, sometimes get stuck, get taken along for the ride and end up "no worse for the wear". In fact, like this owl, we sometimes make it to our destination a little shaken up but definitely in a new (and perhaps better) environment. Here was an owl who, for all intents and purposes could have FLOWN the 100 miles to where it ended up. But God took it there another way. In essence, it was transported sort of like Jonah in the belly of the great fish--it didn't get there the conventional way but an unorthodox route.

God is taking so many of us by an unorthodox route. He has used a "hit" to get us in position to be carried to that next place in life. And all we can do at the end of the day is praise Him for delivering us safely to the place of HIS plan. Though that owl may not have planned to go that way, God had a greater plan. Though the owl felt "stuck" along the way, God was moving it with purpose and intention. And just when the owl should have been forgotten, someone took notice and brought it out of bondage...out of its sticking place. I just believe that the same God that did this for an owl, would do so much more for us (his favored children). I believe that God allowed so many of us to get hit by life. I believe that many of us are feeling stuck in a holding pattern. But, I believe that, beyond what we can see, God is moving me/us with purpose and intention. We are along for the ride. I believe that just at that moment when we feel we've been forgotten, deliverance will occur. I believe that, just like this owl, we will persevere beyond the hits and our life's experience will tell a testimony for many to see when it's all said and done.

Yeah...that's what I believe.

Be encouraged.

Blessings,
MinD

P.S. You can read the full story of this amazing owl at http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2013/02/florida-driver-hits-owl-that-survives-miles-in-suv-grill/

Back In The Game

I read an article recently called "Dating While Smart". It was a well-constructed diatribe about the woes of being a smart woman (particularly African American) in the dating world. She expounded on the pressure to "dumb it down" and the simple lack of men of her "caliber" around to make the dating experience anything less than frustrated.

Much of what she wrote, I could identify with to a certain extent. As an African American woman whose understanding of the world is shaped by my multicultural/multicontinental upbringing and multiple degrees of higher education, I have faced similar expectations and frustrations. Without sounding arrogant, it simply presents it's own set of challenges. Though my personal preferences do not exclude men with educational backgrounds different from mine, I do have a desire to have whoever I am involved with challenge me to be better. And, as I read her words, I found myself thinking of the added challenge (I hate to say) that my faith tends to add to how and who I consider in my dating life.

You see, I'm a firm believer in what the Bible says--we are not to be "unequally" yoked in our relationships (2 Cor 6:14). However, the reality of that is harder to live out for me than I would like to admit. The truth of the matter is that I struggle with that side that wants to simplify life and remove every hurdle that I have imagined exists (though not necessarily real) and just be ME. I'm a Christian and proud of that fact, but dealing with other people's assumptions about what that must mean is not fun.

It seems that everyone has their ideas of who I am before giving me a chance to be me. Ive had several well-intentioned gentlemen tell me that they couldn't pursue anything with me or other Christian women serious about their walk for fear of living in a space of being judged at every turn for their human frailties. And the truth is that I don't want to compromise my Christian standards. I don't want to deal with someone who is completely insensitive to my faith. But here has to be a happy middle ground, because I find myself frustrated by the constant miseducation of the world on Christians.

The unfortunate truth is that it isn't the world's fault that they feel this way. It's our fault as Christians who have approached the world in constant judgement because of legalistic rules that only apply to a few and have little to do with faith. One guy assumed in jest that I may be opposed to wearing high heels...really?? This is what my dating world is like?! Much of it makes me honestly want to strip myself of my faith-based titles and those assumptions at times. But when I even start to lean in that direction, I remember how much God loves me. I remember that, despite my sin, He acknowledges me at every turn. I remember that, God even says that if we deny him before men, he will deny us before the Heavenly Father.

And so, despite my frustrations of being "Saved While Dating", I persevere knowing that the RIGHT one will "find" me and will be able to see me. What I will never do is disavow my faith to accommodate ignorance. I guess I'll have to just chalk it up to being back in the dating game.

It is what it is.Keep walkin'...

MinD

Lord, Fix My Clock!

About a month ago, I decided to redo my bathroom--fresh paint, new artwork, new look for the new year. I thought it'd make sense to add a clock to the mix and remembered a clock I had sitting in my kitchen may be a good addition to the new decor.

After putting in a new battery and realigning it's arms, I thought for sure it would be a working time piece. But alas there was a reason it had been taken out of commission the first time. It didn't work. But I couldn't bring myself to take it down. For some reason, every time I thought about the clock, that old gospel song would come to mind and I'd find myself humming "He's an on time God. Yes He is."

And so today...this day where nothing seemed to go as planned, I decided to change my mindset. Instead of having an accidental reminder that God's timing is not man's/my timing, I decided to be intentional about that thing. Setting the clock to be permanently right before the midnight hour, I scribbled those haunting yet hopeful words.

Maybe you don't have a tangible broken clock, but I would venture a guess that you have a virtual one. And you are needing God to fix your clock to be aligned with His timing before you lose your mind in frustration. Like me, you are waiting on someone our something from the Lord. Today, be encouraged that He's not forgotten you. If you need to, print a copy of my picture our make one of your own; but, no matter how you do it, be reminded that He WILL be right on time.

Keep walking that water and be encouraged,
MinD

Nowhere Sea is Not for Punks!

It's been a while since I've posted and the reason was clear...I felt like I didn't have anything good to say. But today, I realized that I had allowed the enemy to silence me instead of celebrating whereever I am. So I figured I'd let you in on just where that is: just beyond the Bermuda Triangle in the Nowhere Sea.

Okay. Maybe I exaggerate a tad, but that's the feeling that I've had. What do you do when you feel like you were called to be one thing but life looks completely different. I am called to preach and I haven't been in a pulpit in months. I am called to publish books and I haven't finished the two that are "in progress" right now. I am called to travel the world evangelizing and my passport hasn't had a stamp almost two years. I believe I'm supposed to be married and I haven't had a serious relationship in over two years. I want to have kids and well...need to conquer that marriage thing first if at all possible. So yeah...here I am on the Nowhere Sea and it feel like this must be where people disappear to when they hit the Bermuda Triangle.

All I can say is, this water-walking deal is not for punks. Yes, I knew it would be hard, but I just couldn't imagine what it would feel like. It's one thing to be broke but to feel broken is whole other issue. It's one thing to be lost but to feel like a loser is a different story. It's one thing to fail but to feel like a failure takes a lot more energy. And speaking faith to yourself when those are the thoughts crossing your mind every hour is a full time job. Do you get it? If you could close your eyes and imagine yourself out in the middle of an ocean, standing on the water but not understanding how... That would be me. At times you look up and see ships passing by--friends and family on board living life--and you feel like you could just reach out and grab them but they are out of reach before you know it. That would be me. You hear God's voice but don't see Him and are trying to stay true to what He said. That would be me. You just don't know what is coming next or how life is going to work this week. That would definitely be me.

So I'm hanging in there and decided today that takes courage and that has got to be good enough...for now. Cuz I'M NO PUNK!

That is all.

MinD