Not Waiting For Heaven

I was talking to a friend today and something that she said really took me down my own spiritual rabbit trail. We were talking about favorite scriptures and she happened to mention that the first few verses of Psalm 27 were among her favorites. And while I agreed with her, I was silently reminded of one of my favorite parts of that psalm and it comes later down the line...verse 13 (lucky 13 I suppose). It says: 

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." 

And as I recited it out loud to her, I felt a bit of a nudge from the Lord reminding me of why I love this verse so much. It's no secret that times are hard for so many--both people I know and strangers across the land. Major hurricanes are threatening friends and family. Mud slides have killed hundreds. Friends have been disappointed, loved ones thinking of divorce, sickness plaguing bodies, friends of friends in hospice, poverty running rampant, political unrest and injustices, personal losses and so much more. It's been a tough season. 

But something keeps me going. It's a small word with a lot of power--HOPE. And it's not just the hope for the beauty of eternity in heaven, but hope for what I know we will see on this earth. I decided a long time ago that I was going to follow God with faith--not seeing or understanding what was coming but pressing through to the next step beyond the pain and beyond the darkness. And, at every turn I've been surprised and rewarded that on the other side of that tight space I've seen unexpected blessings. I don't do things for the blessing, but I do do them knowing that somewhere in this "land of the living" and not just when I'm surrounded by the heavenly host, I will experience joy, I will see goodness, I will see light...I will see God.

When I open my eyes and stop looking through the cloudy lens of my situation, I can see clearly to the fact that a spark of hope is still kindled in my spirit even on days when it isn't raging out of control like a forest fire. And what's so comforting in that is a little bit of hope goes a long way. 

It's been a while since I've written a prayer point, but this evening my fingers were itching to send this to you...yes YOU. I wanted to remind you that no matter what you are going through and what you see around you, know that there's still hope. Grab on to what little bit you can  find and ride through to the storm because a rainbow is sure to come.

Be encouraged,
Pastor Andrea

i melted...

I've started to write this blog over and over again. I suppose that it's very telling that the topic that's been on my heart has also been what has kept me from writing. Today, I've decided to conquer my fears and insecurities...so here goes...

Last week, I found myself in tears. I wanted to scream out "I'm melting!!!" Now, I'm sure that there are a myriad of reasons that may have been so. Perhaps my hormones were amiss. Or maybe the heat was pounding my skull just so. However, no matter the reason, I found myself walking quickly to get to the safe haven of a closed room with a friend so that I could just let 'er rip. What's interesting about the conversation I'm having here with you is that I consider myself to be a pretty confident person. The truth is that I'm confident in my abilities but not always my self. I know what I know and don't know. I know what I can and can't do. I know who God says that I am and what I'm called to do. I even know how He looks at me. But, in that moment last week, when the tears threatened to drown me, I was sure that none of that mattered. Though there was a trigger, it wasn't one person or situation that was truly behind the flood.

I don't know how to say it except to say it. What I do as a minister of God...what I did before I came to Mercy Ships and what I will do long after I'm gone...it's personal. A lot of people can say that their job is their job and then home and spiritual and friends are their personal space. You may get upset at work with your boss and be pissed off with a coworker, but then you go home and your wife makes you dinner or your friends go to the movies with you and it's forgotten (at least until you head back to work). That's not always possible when what you do encompasses your home, your spiritual life, your friendships... That's hard enough when you're a leader at the same church you attend and find your friendships. Setting healthy boundaries becomes one of the bigger challenges for many pastors and leaders. I remember standing in service with my hands lifted high, in the midst of worship, tears running down my face and crying out to God when someone tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to help them in the back office with something administrative (I think it was the copy machine was jammed). I was furious that day! It became a symbol for how I knew many people would see me moving forward. And here on a ship...well...sigh...yeah...that's often a challenge. In fact it's magnified. You get the best and the worst of both worlds. You have people that want to talk to you at all hours of the day and night (which is fine to a certain extent since that's sort of what we're here for...to a certain extent) and then you have the many people who are very guarded around you because they are uncertain about who you'll tell or if you can be trusted so they won't even have real friendship-bearing conversations.

So yeah...it's personal. I'm sure you know that this task of water walking is not easy. Because at the end of the day, it makes for a lonely life at times and makes me doubt myself, my likability (and let's face it we all want to be liked)...and wonder how on earth the Lord called me this broken, boo-hooin' mess to care for his people. Now, I know I'm not special. I'm just telling my tale. There are many victorious and fulfilling sides to serving on the mission field. But there are challenges too. There are plenty of people who could give you the same story--particularly here on this ship we call work, home, life...the lines get crossed so often. There is the doctor who gets asked medical questions in the dining room, the nurse who gets asked to look at a rash while drinking coffee on her break, the human resources person who gets asked about vacation time when they are about to leave on their own days off, the mechanic who gets asked "what's that sound" when they are about to take their wife on a date, the teacher that gets asked to correct something when reading a book at Starbucks and so on... We all have the space to fuss and complain about how our world seems to bleed together. Today's just my day because I melted last week.

I felt compelled to share because maybe you melted last week too. Or perhaps you're on the verge of a meltdown. What I felt the Lord say to my spirit as I finished drying up my tears was that I was "allowing doubts to erode away my confidence". At the end of the day, the responsibility for healthy boundaries is ours. Saying "no" or "can we talk about that tomorrow during business hours" seems like the most irrational thing for a missionary to do. And sometimes things cannot wait or should not wait. But then there are the times when we do need to draw lines and we do need to set ourselves up for greater health and effectiveness. When we allow ourselves to get run down and pulled from all ends, those are the moments that we give the enemy the most room to infuse that doubt that puts chinks in our "whole armor of God". When we try to make like the Energizer bunny and keep going and going and going, our fatigue becomes a foothold for the devil and his imps to whisper words of discouragement in our ears.

I'm not writing this so that people will write back and encourage me. No...I can truly say that I made it to "the other side of through" because of God's grace and because of the angels he sends my way. Today, I want to encourage you that if the melt down is coming...find a friend, a chaplain, a pastor...someone who can stand in the midst of the puddle with you like I did. Find someone who will speak life while you melt and help you clean up the puddle once the tears have dried. The person I cried to, sent me the picture above. You need to have someone who will send you pictures and read you scripture and pour back into you once you've poured out. Whether your mission field is in a foreign country or in the home you were born and raised in, know that you are not alone and that God called you (yes you...broken, melted mess that you are...) because in your weakness, HE is made strong.

Be encouraged in this day to draw good boundaries and when all else fails...feel free to melt...

Blessings,
MinisterD

Right F.O.C.U.S.

I've always struggled with the idea of writing for the sake of writing. I don't do it. If there's nothing pressing on my mind, you better believe that I probably won't keep to the "schedule" of email delivery that I thought would work best. But that's only part of it. Because the truth is there are times when God really is working something in my heart, mind and spirit and I'm being a bit of the proverbial ostrich with my head in the sand and not facing it. Because yeah...we all know the truth is that...once it's "out there" (When Harry Met Sally reference for those who do that kind of thing) then it's just plain "out there" and we all know that EVERYthing on the Internet is true...(riiiight...).

So, real talk...I've been in a particularly vulnerable place the last couple of years and I haven't necessarily felt like living that fully in front of everyone. I think that finally the Lord has convicted me enough to know that I can't continue to do this and I must FOCUS. So here I am...reviving the blog. And what's the first thing that God puts on my mind? A tape I've been playing in my mind for about 15 years now--I'm a "Jack (or Jill in this case) of all trades and a master of none".

You see, I had a friend tell me this as I was about to make a big move in my life. It was an interesting time and my friends had sat me down to basically "tell me about myself" and in the midst she said this thing: "Andrea, you're a Jack of all trades and a master of none" and then proceeded to tell me how I needed to decide what I wanted to master and focus. From that point forward, I became a bit self-conscious. Every time that I felt the Lord tugging in a different direction, I'd have her words in the back of my mind--focus. Every time I felt free to express myself in this creative way or the other--focus. Every time my life hasn't aligned with what "normal" people would do--focus. Every time my faith has challenged me--focus. Focus, focus, focus...until I finally got the revelation that GOD was the one who gifted me in many ways. And, though those gifts don't always make sense to someone from the outside looking in, but they do make sense to Him. He is the giver of every good gift. The fact that I can sing or write or take a picture or preach or teach or...well whatever...Should I just become a singer because that would lend to someone's definition of focus? Should I only write because that would mean I'm "focused".

I've decided to take her advice finally and FOCUS for real...I'm focusing on God and focusing on faith and focusing on using EVERYthing He gave me to meet the end goal--glorifying Him. And I continue to struggle with that tape playing. But at least at this point the tape is so warped that these days it doesn't have the same power it used to...And I'm praying that for you. I'm praying that your tapes begin to warp and eventually just plain stop working. I'm praying that as you walk in faith you maintain the right focus--Faith Obscuring Communication Unearthed by Satan.

Blessings,
MinD

Out Of The Boat & Then Back On...Go figure!

This weekend, my life shifted ever the more. Months ago I made a decision to take some time and apply to serve on Mercy Ships. After some time in the application process, I was approved and began the process of raising money and getting my life ready for this drastic shift. Though I'm still raising money, I have gone forward with full force. And so in this journey to be "water walking" out here on the water with Jesus

, I've found myself conveniently back on the boat...literally! 

It's all been very exciting. I arrived here in Pointe Noire, Congo a couple of days ago. I was worn out after 24+ hours of travel, but my heart was overflowing! We arrived under the cloak of darkness so it felt like Christmas morning the next day to get up and hurry to a window so I could see out. I've spent these few days getting acquainted and settling in and being somewhat overwhelmed by the potential of what can be done here.

When I made the decision to make this trip, it was at the prodding of the Holy Spirit yet again to make a move. I find myself in familiar yet unfamiliar territory. I'm sure you're wondering how that's possible. I'd say that I've almost become familiar with the idea that I'm out here on this faith walk and don't know much about what the end result will be. But the unfamiliarity comes in redefining myself. Over the last couple of months, I've had the pleasure to wander around and spend quality time with family and friends before making this trip. Inevitably the question that has continually come my way is "Where are you from?" and "What are you doing?" 

How is it possible that such simple questions could render me completely at a loss. People ask these questions because they help them to categorize you or find points of commonality. However, what happens when you can't articulate simple answers to such simple questions? I've come to that place in my life where I no longer identify with "where I'm from". I've come to say that 'I'm from here and there' or a child of the world. I sound like a hippie but it's how I feel. Perhaps if we were still in the 60's that's exactly what I'd be--a flower child. But in this day and age, it's unacceptable to not be able to say what you do and clearly help people know who you are. 

And so here I sit, on a boat on the dock in the Congo with the feeling that my life is changing with every little type of the keyboard. The shifts keep coming and I'm hanging in there. Perhaps I'll have a better answer soon to those self-defining questions...then again maybe I won't. But there's one thing I can say about this business of being out of this boat above all else: I'm surrounded with that immeasurable peace that surpasses understanding and I wouldn't trade that for the world. 

That's all for now!

Blessings,
MinD/PastorA

P.S. If you are interested in learning more about Mercy Ships or supporting my service (every dollar helps), you can visit my page at http://mercyships-us.donorpages.com/crewmates/AndreaDiallo.

Radical Without Apology (Safe Ministry?!)

Yesterday, I began a service project doing a clean-up in a sketchy area of town all alone. I waited for a moment before beginning. However, it quickly became evident that those who signed up were not necessarily going to show up. I remembered that I had made a commitment to God that was without conditions. I didn't say to Him "I'll serve you if I have company." When I said "Yes" to Him, there was no caveat for "only when I can be assured that my life is not in danger." And so I kept my eyes open, the worship music lightly playing in my headphones and a prayer coming from my lips as I began to fill a bag with the liquor bottles and other trash that were evidence of a community that had begun to lost hope. And I prayed as I went that the power of God would overtake that place and that hope would be restored. And about 1/2 hour in, one of my co-laborers showed up. And about 1/2 hour after her, another pressed her way through sickness to fulfill her own personal promise to God. Not everyone showed up. There were no men in our Three-woman crew. But we watched and prayed as we cleaned and left feeling like we had really done something.

Later that day, I was confronted by the well-meaning words of a friend who, out of love, felt that I should have bailed and called it a day when no one showed up. Their good intentions sparked me to continue an internal debate that I have been having with myself for some time now. It's a debate that has been fueled by the loving suggestions of well-meaning friends and family, my own Type A desire to have things happen "just so", and by news reports that share the reality of the dangerous life of Christians around the world. The question centers around whether or not I should practice "safe" ministry.

In many ways that term "safe" seems at a complete odds with the word "ministry". When I read my Bible, I see story after story of people sticking out their necks for God. The three Hebrew boys in the book of Daniel didn't choose safety when they were faced with the fiery furnace (Daniel 3:19-25). Paul's entire life was one prison experience after another after he began living for Christ. And I've always felt a kinship to Queen Esther whose famous words were "if I perish, I perish!" (Esther 4:16) as she made a decision to do what was right for God. Furthermore, Christ is the ultimate example of one who came ready to sacrifice for what righteousness' sake. When I read The Great Commission in Matthew 28, I see where it says to 'go and make disciples and baptize folks' but I fail to note any follow-up verse that says "Only go to places you can control the safety. If you're a woman, be sure you're accompanied by a man. If you're sick, stay home in bed so you don't wear yourself out. If you're going to be alone, just cancel that trip and reschedule a new one." 

Am I missing something?! Do you see those words in the Bible somewhere? I know that we are told to use wisdom in all that we do. There is no question about that. Wisdom means being clear about being led by God and not by some adventurous/rebellious spirit. Wisdom means constantly praying. Wisdom means using as many resources as are available to you as long as they are not at the expense of doing ministry. However, I think that the Western Christian church has taken that to the extreme and act as though wisdom means protect yourself at all cost. We timidly act as though God is not THE God who is El Shaddai (God all mighty) and Jehovah Nissi (our banner)--able to protect and keep us in all situations according to His will. We have taken that as a license to limit ministry and, consequently, limit the potential to impact the world for God. But, the truth of Christianity is that we are called to die both in the spirit and flesh. We are called to a life of sacrifice and, if we are really trying to emulate CHRIST, then we take that calling to also include the potential to sacrifice our life for what we believe in. So it would seem that, instead of making decisions to cancel mission trips to war-torn, non-evangelized areas, churches around the U.S. should be rallying to focus their efforts on those areas where the hope of Christ is needed the most. Instead of talking about what we can't do, we need to live in the midst of the Truth that says that we can 'do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us' (Philippians 4:13).
  
I weep when I read reports of all of the men, women and children around the globe and throughout history who have been martyred for Christ. Trust me, I am not trying to be one of them. But, I am also not running scared from that possibility. In the Western world we have the luxury of choice when it comes down to it. We choose our level of commitment to God and to His Gospel based on our comfort and convenience: Church on Sundays and Wednesdays is fine, but don't challenge me to come out on a Saturday when it's cold or raining to clean or evangelize or simply encourage another human being out of my comfort zone...sigh...That's simply not okay with me. And so, I have ended the internal debate and have chosen to not be a wimpy Christian. I have decided to let nothing stop me from doing what I feel God says to do. When things happen, I want to be able to rest in the knowledge that they happened under God's watch and not because I wasn't obedient. I can't allow my gender or size or finances or anything else stop me from pursuing after God with a vengeance. I believe that God is looking for more people to step up out of the boat, step out into this big bad world and say, "If I perish, I perish." and then TRUST Him to cover them as they serve on His behalf. 

Hope you'll join me...

Blessings,
MinD

Lord, Fix My Clock!

About a month ago, I decided to redo my bathroom--fresh paint, new artwork, new look for the new year. I thought it'd make sense to add a clock to the mix and remembered a clock I had sitting in my kitchen may be a good addition to the new decor.

After putting in a new battery and realigning it's arms, I thought for sure it would be a working time piece. But alas there was a reason it had been taken out of commission the first time. It didn't work. But I couldn't bring myself to take it down. For some reason, every time I thought about the clock, that old gospel song would come to mind and I'd find myself humming "He's an on time God. Yes He is."

And so today...this day where nothing seemed to go as planned, I decided to change my mindset. Instead of having an accidental reminder that God's timing is not man's/my timing, I decided to be intentional about that thing. Setting the clock to be permanently right before the midnight hour, I scribbled those haunting yet hopeful words.

Maybe you don't have a tangible broken clock, but I would venture a guess that you have a virtual one. And you are needing God to fix your clock to be aligned with His timing before you lose your mind in frustration. Like me, you are waiting on someone our something from the Lord. Today, be encouraged that He's not forgotten you. If you need to, print a copy of my picture our make one of your own; but, no matter how you do it, be reminded that He WILL be right on time.

Keep walking that water and be encouraged,
MinD

What A Difference A Day Makes

There are times when you feel as though you're struggling through and panting to see when a shift will occur. Today is not one of those days. I've spent the last few weeks getting excited about a turn of events that I didn't think would excite me quite this much. Something that I feel I worked for but never got...something that was in the back of my mind's eye is finally beginning to come to fruition. And while it doesn't matter what that thing is, what does matter is that I was reminded this week again of how God is a promise keeper. My hope is not for nothing and my focus on Jesus has been reinforced by a little boost from the Lord to remind me that He's in control.

I've written before about hearing someone use the saying "It's only 5 minutes to change". Truly, that's a concept that sometimes evades us. But I want to encourage you today as you wait and walk with me out on this water that life can shift for the good as much as it may have shifted for the bad in the past. Just know that it doesn't take very long for change to occur. One day you'll be pouting and the next you'll look up to see a glimmer of hope. And what's key is to look for the glimmer instead of focusing on the darkness. Stars are beautiful in the night sky, but if all we did was focus on the black instead of the twinkle of the white sky lights, we'd miss that magic and beauty.

I hope today you see that glimmer...

Be encouraged!
MinD

Blessings Along The Way

Midway through my morning walk, I decided to incorporate a bit of "simple service" into my route. I had walked a mile out and so on the mile back decided to use the small grocery bag I'd found in my pocket to pick up trash. It was my own mini-community clean up. The bag quickly filled to it's breaking point so I had to stop. However, on my last handful of trash with my gloved hand, I noticed something to the side of the discarded beer can I was picking up--a lone dollar bill.

I was immediately encouraged. The dollar may not go far in my struggling bank account, but it wasn't about the money. Some may have even left it on the ground because it was among the dirt and muck. However, those words on the back "In God We Trust" shouted at me to recognize the blessing that I had found along the way. The Lord sent this dollar to remind me of how there are blessings in the most unexpected places along life's route. When we focus on our surroundings and circumstances instead of doing the work God sent us to do (serving others and Him), we miss those small blessings around us that are the voice of God saying "I am still here.", "I have not forgotten you." and "You can trust Me."

I think that I will frame that dollar as a constant reminder of God's sweet blessings. If I could, I'd send you a framed dollar as well but that's not possible. What I can tell you is that He's still here, He hasn't forgotten you, and He's worthy of your trust. Take your eyes off your circumstance and get busy with His business and the blessings will truly overtake you.

Be encouraged!
--MinD

Don't Take It Personal...

Back in the day, there was this song...I can't even remember who sang it...but it has been coming to mind a lot t. It went a little something like this: "Don't take it personal. Take the bitter with the sweet. Easy come. Easy go." The last couple of weeks, that's what has been on my mind.

You see, it's easy for me to get really personally attached to everything that is going on in my life right now, INCLUDING business/ministry. These days, this IS my life. This is my focus. This is my baby. I've already pouted about how this walk on the water is definitely a lonely one, but what makes it more "interesting" is that nothing I'm doing is as important to anyone else as it is to me. I've gotten frustrated at times, wanting to shake the world and say "come on it's time!!!". But, I have to remember that nothing that God has given me is necessarily going to make or break someone else's life where it may just make or break mine. When you work for someone else, in another person's 'vineyard', it's easy to be somewhat detached to the process. We are all well-meaning in our volunteer and work efforts for others but can never be as invested as the person for whom this is their life.

That is an important thing for me to remember as things don't go the way I want or disappointments come my way or even as people decide not to be involved with me or my ministry. Though it's hard not to take it personal, it's a must. No matter what we go through in our lives, we have to remember that our walk with God is a personal one. A wise friend once told me that God gives US enough faith for what He's called us to do and not other people. So we can't be mad or astounded when they don't believe or connect at the level that we would like. Even in our personal lives, we can't be mad if our husbands, wives, friends, parents don't "get it" when we want to go a specific direction. We just have to trust that God will work on them enough to not hinder our process and so that they will instead enhance that which he's given us.

So, in the mean time, I'll continue humming that song..."Don't take it personal...take the bitter with the sweet..." because I truly understand that, though bitter comes, sweet is right around the corner!

Be encouraged!
--MinD

By the way, if you remember who that song was by...comment on this and let me know or it's gonna bug me all day! :)

The Personal Side of Water Walking Alone

I didn't think that this blog would end up being so personal and had originally no intention of talking about my love life, but I decided this week to let you in on the other side of this reality of walking the water. I figured this wouldn't be completely authentic without all sides. You see, I'm a single gal. Wanting to be married. No kids. Wanting to have kids. Getting older. Refuse to admit my clock may even have a tick in it. Dealing with the aftermath of failed relationships and all that goes with that...

So when I thought about doing this--walking into destiny, doing ministry, living for Jesus--I truly did not anticipate that I'd be doing it alone. In my dream of dreams I used to imagine galavanting around the world with a strong man who loves God as much as me and is willing to walk beside me on the water with both our eyes on Jesus. And while I know my walk towards God is in no way contingent on a husband and child, it's just not how I envisioned this season of my life going.

Some days I'm fine with it. Some days...not so much. Perhaps this was one of the weeks that it isn't quite making sense to do by myself. And I don't have the answers still. However, what I realized this week when I was talking to a potential new "friend" is that I am in a space where I've decided to focus more on HOPE than HURT. You see, water-walking has to be about hope in all sides of your life. If we're going to have a real conversation about faith, I can't just decide to share with you all about the areas of my life that conveniently fit into my professional/ministry corner. It can't be just about ministry.

Ministry is personal on all sides. As you decide to walk in faith you have to realize that you can't compartmentalize. So I encourage you to open up and walk with great HOPE and release all residue of HURTS that may hinder where you are going.

Blessings to ya!

Stay Out Of Your Way

The thought that comes to mind as I reflect on this week in the business of water-walking is the fact that I can only pray that I’m not getting in my own way. This will not be a long entry because of that. I was thinking about Lots’ wife in the book of Genesis. She wasn’t able to move forward because she looked back. I thought about Jonah whose detour into the belly of the fish was due to his own disobedience. I even think about some non-biblical examples of people I see in modern times like Whitney Houston or Tiger Woods who seem to have the world at their fingers but then do something that changes the trajectory of their blessings.

Driving down the street today, my prayer was simple, “Lord, please do not allow me to be the reason why I don’t make it to the next level.” 

A Long Way from Entitlement Rd. to Heavenly Blvd.

So the journey has taken a turn this week that I'm not particularly proud of--down the road of entitlement. In the midst of just trying to keep my head on straight, I found myself slipping into a dangerous space--the space of "I deserve". In my mind I started to self-righteously rationalize with God how I wasn't a bad person, how I was trying to please Him with my life, how though not perfect I hadn't been a ho (yes, I said it), how I wasn't a drug addict, how I gave to the poor and paid my tithes...the list went on and on and ended with my plea to God saying "so why is it that I don't have X, Y, or Z like all the other kids in the sandbox?"

My tantrum was one that only God could hear. You can fill in any number of things where those letters lie. Why don't I have a car that runs without announcing itself before I get there? Why don't I have the money to give ten times what I keep? Why am I the one who is single? Why don't I have kids? Why is my money funny and change strange? Why is it...Well you get the point.

I wish I could say that the Lord's answer was a swift "My bad" followed by His endowing me with those things. But instead I was reminded of the story of the rich young ruler in the New Testament. (He's been on my mind a lot lately as a matter of fact.) Jesus asked him to give all his earthly goods away and follow him in order to inherit eternal life. I started thinking of how we/Christians/I deserve NOTHING but that God's expectation is to give EVERYTHING. It doesn't make it any easier to swallow or make the desire for the car, house, man, child, money dissipate; but it does put it all in perspective.

At the end of the day, I can say that it's my heart's desire to not have my story end like the rich young ruler's did. I don't want it to be said of me that instead of giving all my temporal desires, I sacrificed my eternal rewards. So when you hear me coming in my "put put" car, you'll know that I surrendered to the fact that the call to hear 'well done' when it's all said is much greater than my desire to stay on Entitlement Road even though that's a long road to travel. At this point in my walk on this here water, all roads have got to lead away from entitlement to that Heavenly Boulevard where I know I'll find peace.

Pray for me as I pray for you.

Stop Resisting the Upgrade!

For months now, my computer has been putting up messages when I’d visit various internet sites telling me “we see that you’re using an outdated version of explorer and would recommend that you upgrade for maximum use of this site”. Inevitably, I would press the DECLINE button and proceed through the site—not knowing what I was missing. I was hesitant because sometimes upgrades in the past have made it virtually impossible for me to do some of the things I needed to do for school or work. I couldn’t take the risk during a busy season that something would crash. I didn’t want to take the time to go against any possible learning curve that may pop up should the upgrade be more than expected. So I muddled through. My browser was slow but I blamed it on my computer. Many evenings I would have an extra 20 minutes of “wait time” padded into a project to account for whatever time it would take for sites to load and me to maneuver around the Internet. Frustrated doesn’t do justice to the number of times I would have to “woo sah” and practice my deep breathing exercises while praying for the ability to be at peace while I waited.

Then the other night, I finally succumbed to the pressure and thought to myself, “why not?” Those things that were critical were no longer critical. If I had to learn new tricks, I would have time now. And so I pushed “ok” and stopped resisting the upgrade. To say that it was as if the clouds opened up and light began shining bright and birds singing may be a bit of an overstatement. However, it was darn close to that very experience.  I began surfing with great ease. The frustrations I had felt all fell away. I began kicking myself…wondering why it was that I had resisted the upgrade.

And the Lord began to deal with me today saying that I was being a baby is what it is and throwing a tantrum about change. Truly, change is usually something that I embrace. But I think that, in this season where change is all around me, I decided to hold tightly to one little thing that I felt I could control. It seemed like nothing, but that ‘nothing’ caused endless frustration and dissatisfaction. And the minute I was able to release that thing, I became invigorated and productive in the things that God has on my plate right now.

How often do we do that in life? Hold on to some piece of minutia in an effort to exert our control. We make silly choices to DECLINE the things that God brings our way that have the potential to open up a new world of productivity in Him. We shun people and walk away from meaningful friendships--disregarding those who don't seem to "fit" where we are right now. We close the door to potential opportunities with negative, resistant, closed-minded attitudes that just want to hold on to that last piece of "the way it used to be". Well let me be the one to tell you that today is a good day to STOP RESISTING and upgrade. Release control and allow God to transform your life even through the small things. Don’t delay!!!

Forgotten Feeling

Last week, I had the pleasure of teaching at a conference at my old church/place of employment.  I stood before the people, I found myself completely invigorated just in having the opportunity to stand before others and preach/teach. Somewhere along the way, I think I forgot all about that feeling...The feeling of being in exactly the right place at exactly the right time, doing exactly the right thing, for exactly the right people. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. I can equate it only to an exhilaration that heightens whatever sense of peace you may already have.

The last few months have been a journey that I, honestly, haven't even had the energy to write about. Each day has held it's own trials and triumphs. Each day has been a battle of getting up to take one more step towards destiny. Each day I have had to tap into the left-overs of that exhilarated feeling. I've tried to approach each day with a purposeful spirit and some days I do that better than others. What I'm supposed to be doing hasn't changed. I'm in exactly the right space--out here on this water, looking around without a shore in sight--and there is definitely a "peace that surpasses all understanding" that has lived with me despite the challenges that I may face. However, who knew that it would feel like this to be wondering which direction my next step will take me in?

It can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. I found myself yesterday reaching out to a friend I hadn't heard from in a while and reminding her that she needed to be sure not to isolate herself. The words sounded foreign in my ears since, to some degree, I had started to do the very same thing. And I realized that I had forgotten a piece of me that I needed to stay connected to--this blog. I had allowed the enemy (yes, I believe that the devil is real and that his imps are at work every moment of every day on his behalf) to take me into a space of isolation and silence that is definitely not cool. I was sitting on the edge of depression wondering if I should cross the line and walk into that lonely room or keep looking at Jesus whose out here on the water with me. Depression is a beast and can be a tempting lure that Christians don't talk about because they think it's sacrilege to admit that something other than God may influence your emotions. But depression is real and so many of us flirt with it even if we never take the full plunge. 

So today, with one foot in front of the other (or rather one keyboard tap after the next), I've made a decision to make the move towards Jesus instead. (Ha! Devil didn't get me this time!) And so here I sit today...eager to connect...taking baby steps to rekindle that exhilaration and remember that forgotten feeling. 

It's good to be back!

Don’t Be Moses’ Cousin

The last few months, it seems like I’ve been having so many conversations about faith. It seems as though faith is truly the theme of my life and even more so in this current season. I even had to teach a class on “Faith That Pleases God” as I was anticipating the transition that I am currently living out. Only God could’ve worked that into my schedule of “must do”s for this season.

And yet, what I know is that no matter how much I talk about it (several conversations even in the last couple of days) or however many songs are sung about it, it doesn’t seem to come home with us Christians. So many Christians talk about signs and wonders. So many of us are looking for God to send us confirmation before we move and do whatever it is that he said do or before we follow the tugging in our heart (a.k.a. the Holy Spirit) pulling on us to move one way or another out of stagnation. I once heard a woman preach that we look for God to go even beyond what he did with the fleeces in the Bible (Judges 6) and provide ‘confirmations of his confirmations for his confirmations with additional confirmations’.

But these days, I’ve been sincerely aware that the Biblical definition of faith is so real—“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...” (Hebrews 11:1). Not confirmations. This Christian walk (on water or anywhere else) is about faith and not signs. Whatever you are looking for God to do in your life, know that it is His desire to meet you in your place of faith. You may not understand it. You may not even feel like doing the next thing. It may scare the beejeezes out of you as it has me.

These days, I certainly can’t see it. Can you? The road before me is not clear. I don’t know all the details of how the bills will get paid. I can’t answer all the questions how the ministry/business will develop. I don’t even fully know how I can live out this strong desire in my heart to be a wife and mother. All I can see is what God promised. And so today the thought came to mind that I don’t want to be like Moses’ cousins. You see, Moses was set to take God’s people into the Promised Land, but after dealing with his “cousins” (a whole generation of the Children of Israel), both he and they were denied entry into the promise. They stepped out and then messed it up with doubt and misgivings and grumbling. They stepped out and then tried to bring some of their old madness back into their lives. So I have said to God in this season that I’m willing to let it ALL go for the Promise. Are you? It doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t match what I want or what I thought the promise looked like, but what does matter is that God does not give up on me because I grumble through the wilderness. I do not want to be one of Moses’ cousins. You shouldn’t want to either.

Intentional Nonchalance for Christ

This week I was praying with my prayer partner and she said something while praying for me that stood out in my mind. We discussed the fact that I have been intentionally trying to stay in a place of peace. I’ve had that scripture that says ‘whatever things are good…meditate on those things’ and I shared with her that I didn’t want to go too far and become one of those people who ignored reality and buried my head in the sand but needed to stand on my trust that the Lord won’t leave me where He has guided me. For whatever it’s worth, I am acutely aware that the money is spare and process is moving slow towards my destiny. However, I’m also acutely aware that worrying about it won’t change a thing. In fact, the Bible specifically says not to worry. And so as she prayed she said the phrase “intentional nonchalance” and that stuck with me. Her prayer? “Lord, we pray that her nonchalance in the flesh will only be about her full surrender in the Spirit.”

Amen.

These days I have decided that knowing that I’m in the right place at the right time despite the circumstances will simply have to be enough. Knowing that I moved when God said move will have to keep me content in this season of “abasement”. It has to be enough that God said even when I’m feeling alone. Living in a time when I’m not sure how or if the ends will or ever should meet again has been graciously covered by that very thing that God promised—peace that surpasses all understanding. …It’s enough to make you laugh to keep from crying…even as I went to grab that reference from my Bible, my eyes fell on Philippians 3:8 (in the Amplified version of the Bible) which says,

“Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One),”

Wow! Not much more needs to be said after that. So friends, it’s just another day in my life of water-walking—a day when I am wholeheartedly walking in a haze of intentional nonchalance and surrender to the Spirit.

*This post was written Thursday, May 12, 2011 but unable to be posted due to site/technical difficulties

CHANGE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU!

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I finished with work (yes...I ended up working past my original March 31st date). Each day over the last month has in many ways been an act of looking myself in the eye and asking the hard questions: "Who are you?" and "Who do you want to be?" Throughout each day, my mind has run amuck trying to figure life out and I've had to practice restraint and not run after it. With each passing thought, I've had to silence the "what ifs" of my situation and focus on that moment. I can tell you that it's not always an easy task.

What I see before me, what I see behind me and what I see in each day are so drastically different. Yesterday was fulfilling and full of hard work and dedication--stretching and tiring to say the least. It felt like I never stopped to breathe. Tomorrow looks a lot the same. But today is still and quiet. Now that work on my job at the church is done and I have the space the think, I have been rejoicing in the chance to be refreshed and revived by the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been doing nothing. That's simply not in my personality. But I haven't been doing everything either. I haven't put pressure on myself to write. I haven't put pressure on myself to "figure out" and foresee the details of God's plan. I haven't put pressure on myself to do much of anything except to allow God to heal the burnt edges of my spirit and my drive to work.

But that can only last so long, and as I look around I know that there is so much to be done. It's been an interesting journey--one that is completely contradictory to my borderline-Type A personality that wants to go and fix and do and plan. Even if I begin to worry about money or any other concerning aspects of this faith business, I hear the Lord saying, "Stop! Rest in Me." I feel the Lord pointing to the places in the Word that says that He is my rest, He is my place of strength. It overwhelming. It's enough to have a brain freeze from the overload. And to combat that, I've been writing in my journal, seeking godly counsel and spending quiet time sifting through some of my emotions--trying not to lose sight of the fact that I have a purpose. This is not the time to freeze or faint.

As I try to walk in faith, I have to encourage myself that TODAY is a new day and another opportunity to serve God. Everyday I've had to encourage myself that today doesn't have to look the way that it always has with business and moving and always going from one project/appointment/meeting/job to the next. Instead, today can look like repairing myself. Today can look like taking a moment to just be with Him. Today can look like a moment where I just veg out in front of the T.V.

And I'm reminded almost every day of something one of my friends said to me on Facebook when I cut my hair the day of my Exit Interview from work. You see, I had gotten my hair cut drastically. It seemed like a good time to make my outside appearance reflect my inside. It was a cutting away of the unnecessary and a stripping down to the bare bones of who I am. And, in my excitement, I posted a picture of my new look on my page. What she said is, "Change looks good on you." In that act of looking in the mirror and facing myself every day, I am reminded that change looks good on me.

Life may not always feel right. Life may not always look the way it has. It may not always make sense, but let me encourage you today that change looks good on you too.

Keep walkin'!