Lifting My Gag (Again)

I feel like I've failed.

No...not in the most conventional ways. I have had a lot of "success" in the 40 years that I've been on this earth. I've had a lot of moments to cherish. I've had a lot of opportunities for growth and better understanding and wisdom. I've been blessed beyond measure. So, why, in the middle of all of that can't I keep an appointment with myself to do 2 simple blogs? Yep...failure.

And then I read other blogs and I'm so impressed and so inspired and so...well you get the point. Here's my "reason" (a.k.a. excuse): I'm not usually sitting at a computer at those moments or it's not convenient. And I realize that I hate writing a blog on my mobile devices because I feel like I'm literally all thumbs and my fingers can't keep up with my brain like I do on a keyboard. So the inspiration comes and then I write off-line in this place or that and have good intentions to post "when I get a chance" but then the fire for the message dwindles. I begin to feel a gag sneak on my words/thoughts and I second guess whether anyone would even want to hear/read what I have to say until sleep comes upon me, a new day dawns, I look up and the whole idea is gone.

Such is the cycle of my writer's life.

And then today I was so convicted about my silence and had a revelation as I talked to a friend and read another inspiring blog. It's a serious revelation. You ready? This is BIG little stuff...seriously...wait for it...wait for it...I'M SCARED. I admit it (sorta). I'm one of those people who is filled with ideas, filled with motivation to start and often waylayed in trying to maintain and/or finish strong. I know it's just me (haha...suuuure...), so I'll just ask you to pray with me. Because, honestly, I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of allowing the enemy to win by making me self-conscious. I'm tired of feeling gagged by the enemy's lies...tired of feeling like there's stuff bubbling up inside of me just waiting to burst forward but then being too nervous to let it flow freely and with excellence and order and timeliness and commitment. If I am willy-nilly about my blogs, then you won't expect anything from me. You won't hold me to it. But I don't want that anymore. So I'm asking...no begging for accountability. I know I've been here before--where I try to get jump started again after my fears submerge my fingers. I could listen to the devil and throw in the towel and just say "forget it", but I was convicted today that God is a God of second, third...million chances. And so if there's a new opportunity to be obedient, to get closer to His Will, then I should reach out and grab it with gusto! I'm asking for you to reach out in email or comment and say "hey...we haven't heard from you in a while and you need to get on your job".

Because, in the end, it's not really my job that I need to get on. I need to remember it's not about me or being worried about what other people may think about what I have to say. In the end, it's God's business I need to be about. I feel like Jonah in the proverbial big fish running from this part of my call. All the rest of the stuff I've accepted with gusto and fervency. This side...not-so-much. So here I type...asking for your iron to sharpen my iron and help me in my quest for obedience.

Blessings,
MinD

After Rested Then What?

I find myself in a daze. It’s taken weeks now to begin to feel like I can add one and one. I have to admit that even now, I’m not sure if it’s two or four but I feel like I’m getting closer (haha). But, through this period, I’ve been reviewing with God the lesson about the value of rest in sustaining our power to work in the Kingdom.

So many of us push and push and push until there is nothing left. But even with the birthing of a baby, something follows the push. You have to have enough left over to actually raise the child. Over the last ten years or so, I feel as though I’ve been in preparation mode—bringing me to this time and this season of water walking and destiny grabbing. The effort has been big. My consistency has generally been on point. My heart has been in the right place. I’ve learned so much each and every day about God, my life, my relationship with him, church, and how to meet other’s needs. So what happens if when I push and push and push, I’m suddenly simply too tired to do much of anything else? I feel like that’s where I’ve been the last six weeks—too tired to do much of anything else.

So I have to thank God for the grace to have this moment of rejuvenation and rest. I have to thank Him that He has guarded my mind and my heart while I meditate on Him some days and meditated on nothing other days. I praise Him for allowing me the time to get myself together. But, to use a phrase often used by Oprah Winfrey, “what I know to be true” is that that time has come to and end. And I feel as though I have to move forward with a clear determination to not fall or look back. I can’t be like Lott’s wife in the Bible and turn to this virtual pillar of salt by looking back. The resting period is over and it is now time to refocus and rev up my engines.

I Quit!

I know that it's contradictory to my "Strong Woman Syndrome" to utter those words. "I quit!" The Superwoman in me shudders at the mere thought of the words. "I quit!" It's the opposite of everything that I've been brought up to think. And yet, this time those two little words bring no shame, no dread, no disappointment. This time, the words bring a sense of freedom, boldness, anticipation, anxiousness...and yes some bits of fear. You see, about 45 days ago, I submitted my resignation. 

I've been working at a wonderful church for 3 1/2 years. I love what I do. I love my pastor. I appreciate all that I've done here, but the Lord told me it was time to go. And for a year or so I have hemmed and hawed. I was looking for God to appear out of the clouds and, with a thundering voice, confirm "Daughter Andrea, it's time to move on!" That didn't happen. I was waiting for the plan for my life to be so stunningly clear. That didn't happen. I was waiting and waiting and waiting for God to make some kind of move while, in retrospect, I know that He's been waiting on me to do the same. 

I say that my ministry is to help people get "unstuck" in their lives and pursue their destinies. I say that I desire to help people live wholly healed lives. But over the last year I've been a walking hypocrite because I was stuck in my own comfort zone while looking for God to work miracles. I've gained over 40lbs with the stress and discomfort of life. I've lost sleep. I've missed opportunities to just be while sitting in this place. And so, I figured that it was about time to move. The Word of the Lord came in so many ways that I could no longer ignore Him, and so I said those two fateful words.

So here is where this part of my journey begins. I decided to start this blog because, as ministers, we often live these closed off lives where people either place you on a pedestal or they despise you but simply don't allow you to be human--mostly because we shroud ourselves in secrecy and don't live transparently. I decided to start this blog so that people could see that if someone like me who is headstrong and wants what I want can submit myself humbly to God, so can they. I am starting this blog to encourage others as they make every attempt to walk on water towards God and let them know that they aren't alone. 

Truth be told: I'm shaking in my boots, scared to fail, scared to succeed, scared to not do anything at all and praying that you will walk this walk with me and perhaps even encourage me along the way too.  I will be pouring my heart out over the Internet as I make every effort to remain calm and do what God said.

Ready?

Let's go!  The countdown begins...