Alone

Today was supposed to be the day.

It's been difficult for me to write about this the past two weeks. The days have seemed to run together. I've honestly been feeling inadequate. I've been running around doing what seems to be nothing and getting almost nothing accomplished, putting out fires and dealing with immediate needs. All my lofty goals to "leave valiantly" have gone out the window and I just want to leave having honored God to the best of my ability. My job has extended a bit even though I will officially be out of my office this week. And through it all, there is one over-arching feeling--loneliness.

I know I shouldn't admit that. I'm supposed to be ok with just me and Jesus. And I am. Don't get me wrong. My contentedness for Christ hasn't dulled because my flesh is in this random controversy, but...well...I said that this blog would be about the transparent journey to my destiny and victory. I wish that I could say that I'm feeling on top of the world. I wish that I could say that I'm feeling bold as a lion. Everyone I come across asks, "Are you excited?!" and I have to conveniently find ways to not lie but be somewhat evasive. I know this move is God. I know it's His will. I know that I'm on the right road. But, at the end of the day, I'm scared and feeling alone.

As I was comisserating with a friend about my loneliness, I realized the ultimate secret that we all are supposed to get--It's not about me. It's not rocket-science. It's just not. And perhaps that's the point. I'm nobody special. I'm just a child of God who's trying to do something for Him. Sometimes I get it right. sometimes I don't. But no matter what I do or don't get or who does or doesn't get me, God is still in control. Period.

Be encouraged!

I Quit!

I know that it's contradictory to my "Strong Woman Syndrome" to utter those words. "I quit!" The Superwoman in me shudders at the mere thought of the words. "I quit!" It's the opposite of everything that I've been brought up to think. And yet, this time those two little words bring no shame, no dread, no disappointment. This time, the words bring a sense of freedom, boldness, anticipation, anxiousness...and yes some bits of fear. You see, about 45 days ago, I submitted my resignation. 

I've been working at a wonderful church for 3 1/2 years. I love what I do. I love my pastor. I appreciate all that I've done here, but the Lord told me it was time to go. And for a year or so I have hemmed and hawed. I was looking for God to appear out of the clouds and, with a thundering voice, confirm "Daughter Andrea, it's time to move on!" That didn't happen. I was waiting for the plan for my life to be so stunningly clear. That didn't happen. I was waiting and waiting and waiting for God to make some kind of move while, in retrospect, I know that He's been waiting on me to do the same. 

I say that my ministry is to help people get "unstuck" in their lives and pursue their destinies. I say that I desire to help people live wholly healed lives. But over the last year I've been a walking hypocrite because I was stuck in my own comfort zone while looking for God to work miracles. I've gained over 40lbs with the stress and discomfort of life. I've lost sleep. I've missed opportunities to just be while sitting in this place. And so, I figured that it was about time to move. The Word of the Lord came in so many ways that I could no longer ignore Him, and so I said those two fateful words.

So here is where this part of my journey begins. I decided to start this blog because, as ministers, we often live these closed off lives where people either place you on a pedestal or they despise you but simply don't allow you to be human--mostly because we shroud ourselves in secrecy and don't live transparently. I decided to start this blog so that people could see that if someone like me who is headstrong and wants what I want can submit myself humbly to God, so can they. I am starting this blog to encourage others as they make every attempt to walk on water towards God and let them know that they aren't alone. 

Truth be told: I'm shaking in my boots, scared to fail, scared to succeed, scared to not do anything at all and praying that you will walk this walk with me and perhaps even encourage me along the way too.  I will be pouring my heart out over the Internet as I make every effort to remain calm and do what God said.

Ready?

Let's go!  The countdown begins...