A Long Way from Entitlement Rd. to Heavenly Blvd.

So the journey has taken a turn this week that I'm not particularly proud of--down the road of entitlement. In the midst of just trying to keep my head on straight, I found myself slipping into a dangerous space--the space of "I deserve". In my mind I started to self-righteously rationalize with God how I wasn't a bad person, how I was trying to please Him with my life, how though not perfect I hadn't been a ho (yes, I said it), how I wasn't a drug addict, how I gave to the poor and paid my tithes...the list went on and on and ended with my plea to God saying "so why is it that I don't have X, Y, or Z like all the other kids in the sandbox?"

My tantrum was one that only God could hear. You can fill in any number of things where those letters lie. Why don't I have a car that runs without announcing itself before I get there? Why don't I have the money to give ten times what I keep? Why am I the one who is single? Why don't I have kids? Why is my money funny and change strange? Why is it...Well you get the point.

I wish I could say that the Lord's answer was a swift "My bad" followed by His endowing me with those things. But instead I was reminded of the story of the rich young ruler in the New Testament. (He's been on my mind a lot lately as a matter of fact.) Jesus asked him to give all his earthly goods away and follow him in order to inherit eternal life. I started thinking of how we/Christians/I deserve NOTHING but that God's expectation is to give EVERYTHING. It doesn't make it any easier to swallow or make the desire for the car, house, man, child, money dissipate; but it does put it all in perspective.

At the end of the day, I can say that it's my heart's desire to not have my story end like the rich young ruler's did. I don't want it to be said of me that instead of giving all my temporal desires, I sacrificed my eternal rewards. So when you hear me coming in my "put put" car, you'll know that I surrendered to the fact that the call to hear 'well done' when it's all said is much greater than my desire to stay on Entitlement Road even though that's a long road to travel. At this point in my walk on this here water, all roads have got to lead away from entitlement to that Heavenly Boulevard where I know I'll find peace.

Pray for me as I pray for you.

Stop Resisting the Upgrade!

For months now, my computer has been putting up messages when I’d visit various internet sites telling me “we see that you’re using an outdated version of explorer and would recommend that you upgrade for maximum use of this site”. Inevitably, I would press the DECLINE button and proceed through the site—not knowing what I was missing. I was hesitant because sometimes upgrades in the past have made it virtually impossible for me to do some of the things I needed to do for school or work. I couldn’t take the risk during a busy season that something would crash. I didn’t want to take the time to go against any possible learning curve that may pop up should the upgrade be more than expected. So I muddled through. My browser was slow but I blamed it on my computer. Many evenings I would have an extra 20 minutes of “wait time” padded into a project to account for whatever time it would take for sites to load and me to maneuver around the Internet. Frustrated doesn’t do justice to the number of times I would have to “woo sah” and practice my deep breathing exercises while praying for the ability to be at peace while I waited.

Then the other night, I finally succumbed to the pressure and thought to myself, “why not?” Those things that were critical were no longer critical. If I had to learn new tricks, I would have time now. And so I pushed “ok” and stopped resisting the upgrade. To say that it was as if the clouds opened up and light began shining bright and birds singing may be a bit of an overstatement. However, it was darn close to that very experience.  I began surfing with great ease. The frustrations I had felt all fell away. I began kicking myself…wondering why it was that I had resisted the upgrade.

And the Lord began to deal with me today saying that I was being a baby is what it is and throwing a tantrum about change. Truly, change is usually something that I embrace. But I think that, in this season where change is all around me, I decided to hold tightly to one little thing that I felt I could control. It seemed like nothing, but that ‘nothing’ caused endless frustration and dissatisfaction. And the minute I was able to release that thing, I became invigorated and productive in the things that God has on my plate right now.

How often do we do that in life? Hold on to some piece of minutia in an effort to exert our control. We make silly choices to DECLINE the things that God brings our way that have the potential to open up a new world of productivity in Him. We shun people and walk away from meaningful friendships--disregarding those who don't seem to "fit" where we are right now. We close the door to potential opportunities with negative, resistant, closed-minded attitudes that just want to hold on to that last piece of "the way it used to be". Well let me be the one to tell you that today is a good day to STOP RESISTING and upgrade. Release control and allow God to transform your life even through the small things. Don’t delay!!!

Forgotten Feeling

Last week, I had the pleasure of teaching at a conference at my old church/place of employment.  I stood before the people, I found myself completely invigorated just in having the opportunity to stand before others and preach/teach. Somewhere along the way, I think I forgot all about that feeling...The feeling of being in exactly the right place at exactly the right time, doing exactly the right thing, for exactly the right people. It's one of the greatest feelings in the world. I can equate it only to an exhilaration that heightens whatever sense of peace you may already have.

The last few months have been a journey that I, honestly, haven't even had the energy to write about. Each day has held it's own trials and triumphs. Each day has been a battle of getting up to take one more step towards destiny. Each day I have had to tap into the left-overs of that exhilarated feeling. I've tried to approach each day with a purposeful spirit and some days I do that better than others. What I'm supposed to be doing hasn't changed. I'm in exactly the right space--out here on this water, looking around without a shore in sight--and there is definitely a "peace that surpasses all understanding" that has lived with me despite the challenges that I may face. However, who knew that it would feel like this to be wondering which direction my next step will take me in?

It can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. I found myself yesterday reaching out to a friend I hadn't heard from in a while and reminding her that she needed to be sure not to isolate herself. The words sounded foreign in my ears since, to some degree, I had started to do the very same thing. And I realized that I had forgotten a piece of me that I needed to stay connected to--this blog. I had allowed the enemy (yes, I believe that the devil is real and that his imps are at work every moment of every day on his behalf) to take me into a space of isolation and silence that is definitely not cool. I was sitting on the edge of depression wondering if I should cross the line and walk into that lonely room or keep looking at Jesus whose out here on the water with me. Depression is a beast and can be a tempting lure that Christians don't talk about because they think it's sacrilege to admit that something other than God may influence your emotions. But depression is real and so many of us flirt with it even if we never take the full plunge. 

So today, with one foot in front of the other (or rather one keyboard tap after the next), I've made a decision to make the move towards Jesus instead. (Ha! Devil didn't get me this time!) And so here I sit today...eager to connect...taking baby steps to rekindle that exhilaration and remember that forgotten feeling. 

It's good to be back!